


The Men Who Stare at Goats

by stephrc79



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 04:49:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/883131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephrc79/pseuds/stephrc79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Nova Prospekt, Alec and James head out on a mission together. What they bring home is more than Q bargained for. Too bad everyone else is so enamored.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kryptaria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kryptaria/gifts), [BootsnBlossoms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BootsnBlossoms/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Nova Prospekt](https://archiveofourown.org/works/776253) by [BootsnBlossoms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BootsnBlossoms/pseuds/BootsnBlossoms), [Kryptaria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kryptaria/pseuds/Kryptaria). 



> A big big BIG Thank You to Rayvanfox, Jennybel75, Cousincecilycardew, and Beautifullyheeled for being amazing betas. 
> 
> And thank you to Kryptaria and Bootsnblossoms for telling me (not asking me :P) to do this.
> 
> [Cover Art](http://archiveofourown.org/works/883560) by the amazing Skylocked.
> 
> [Cover Art](http://adreaminglamb.tumblr.com/post/56621328132/the-men-who-stare-at-goats-by-stephrc79-i-cant) by the _also_ amazing adreaminglamb.

**Tuesday, 14 May, 2013**

Ever since Q had entered into the surreal, concurrent relationships with James Bond and Alec Trevelyan, he had taken to spending a lot less time in his own flat. He felt rather bad about that, considering he was the proud owner of two rather precocious ferrets that lived there and his work was directly below said flat. But when it came to deciding whether he wanted to spend his downtime in the building-that-never-sleeps or at his hotel-away-from-home with his two boyfriends, he seemed to always choose his chaotic, macabre relationships over anything else.

At least when both were home. That was generally not the case. There was no squeezing three people into his flat, but if either agent was out on assignment, two people fit quite nicely. Even more to the point, when both were gone, Q almost never left the domain of Nova Prospekt, the hackerspace he owned. And why would he? He had enough caffeine to power a small country, enough gadgets to bring down said country, and his own setup – with bed, office, and ferrets – to keep him company whenever he wasn’t tinkering away below. He had a rather nice life.

~~~~

For the past few weeks, Q found himself back at his flat, as both agents were out on assignment. Actually, they were out on assignment together. Most people who knew them would find this cause for alarm, considering the Class 5 hurricane of destruction they left in their wake _individually_. But when they worked together, Q could always count on the mutual arse-kicking that each would deliver in an attempt to make sure someone always came back to their shared boyfriend. It made for a much greater chance of mission success and two happy if mildly broke agents returning to London, to Q, to home.

It seemed to be around 3:30 a.m. when Q woke up. This was a rough guess, considering his glasses were elsewhere, but his caffeine-deprived brain and foggy-at-best vision could at least tell it was completely in the middle of the night. During the intermission his brain was taking, he tried to figure out what woke him, his phone beeped again, letting him know that someone had entered Nova Prospekt. This always managed to wake him, at least partially, because middle-of-the-night inspiration tended to yield the most creative results. Or at least the most explosive, which really was a lot more fun as long as as it wasn’t Alec doing the exploding. His many indiscretions where explosions and housing were concerned meant that he and James had yet to find a new place to live because no one would insure them. Intrigued at the idea of a little narco-engineering, Q pulled himself out of his foggy reverie and padded to the bathroom to clean up and head downstairs.

First, though, Q needed caffeine. He needed it like people needed water or air, possibly even more so. While he loved midnight tinkering, he hated how sleep-deprived it made him feel. So, first order of business; caffeine. Q headed to the cafe that took up the front of the building and pulled a triple-shot of espresso. While he still had no idea which of his members was here at this hour, the idea of discovering a really great project without the proper stimulant was simply... unpleasant.

Espresso in hand, Q headed up to his true home away from home. Walking in, he realised it wasn’t one person who had shown up, but two. The recognition of both voices made him smile. His boys were home.

Q came around the corner to find James and Alec standing shoulder to shoulder, with their backs to him. They seemed intent upon something, but whatever that something was, it was beyond Q’s scope of vision. They were whispering frantically in the sort of way only impish five-year-olds were known to do. Caffeine or no caffeine, whatever was going on, Q was suddenly on high alert. These two really shouldn’t be left alone together.

“He’ll never let us keep him here,” Alec whispered with what sounded like mild concern.

“It’s a ‘him’ now?” came James’ bemused reply. “Earlier it was an it considering you could barely decipher what the town chief was telling you.”

“I could figure out enough, and so could you. They were going to _sacrifice him,_ James.”

“Because you and I are so very much about right to life. Bloody hell, Alec.”

“It’s not like I had a whole lot of options. It was either this or marry the chief’s daughter.”

That spiked Q’s attention. “I’m sorry, marry whose daughter?”

At the sound of his voice, both agents spun around, hands twitching to their holsters. Q took a step back, feeling slightly abashed. After several months together, he knew better than to startle his two assassins. It didn’t seem to matter, though. At the sight of him, both Alec and James broke into identical fierce grins and started walking to greet him, pressed shoulder-to-shoulder.

James was the first to reach him. “Q!” he exclaimed, spinning Q around to lift him into a hug. Q tightly gripped his caffeinated lifeline, wary of dropping it. “God, I’ve missed you.” With one hand around Q’s waist, James grabbed his hair with the other and twisted, bringing him into a deep kiss.

As James pulled away, Q had barely moments to process the kiss before Alec reached over and lifted him up for their own greeting. “I missed you, too, you know,” Alec breathed as their lips parted. He set Q down to face them. “How was it here without us? Any chaos and destruction we missed? Anyone we may or may not have to kill?” As Alec’s questions rambled on, James inched closer, almost pushing Q back towards the door he had originally come through.

Q giggled, wrapping his arms around Alec, “No. No one you need to ki–” He didn’t get any further, as the next noise he heard – which was decidedly not from either agent – sounded suspiciously like a bleat.

_A bleat?_

Q looked up just in time to see an extremely guilty look pass between James and Alec. Q wriggled out of Alec’s arms and tried to peer around him, only to have James continue to steer him  –  no, _shepherd_ him  –  back towards the door again. Still holding his espresso, Q put up a hand to stop James.

“What was that?” Q asked firmly, looking suspiciously between the two agents. As his brain started coming back online, he heard movement coming from behind the two men in front of him.

“What was what?” James asked innocently, eyes wide.

“Something behind you just bleated. Last time I checked, the only creatures that took up space in this entire building made no such noise. So, please tell me, what exactly are you two trying to hide?”

James and Alec exchanged a glance, clearly having one of their telepathic conversations. On a normal day, Q found this rather irritating. It wasn’t that he minded being left out of the discussion, but the end result usually involved him learning something he would rather have gone without. Tonight was absolutely no exception.

Q took advantage of their momentary distraction to slip past James. What he saw, though, made him stop dead in his tracks. Standing in the middle of Nova Prospekt  –  in the middle of _his_ hackerspace  –  was what appeared to be a baby goat.

“What?” Q shook his head. “How? That’s not possible...” Q closed his eyes and sipped his espresso. There was no way he was seeing a goat in Nova Prospekt. It simply wasn’t possible. It had to be the sleep deprivation and his need caffeine. When Q opened his eyes again, the fuzzy _apparition_ was still there, staring back at him. He took another drink and turned slowly to face James and Alec. “Is that a baby goat? Am I looking at a _goat_ right now?”

“No, it’s not,” Alec answered, not meeting Q’s eyes.

“‘No, it’s not a baby goat’, or ‘no, it’s not a goat at all’?” Q challenged.

“It’s not a baby goat.”

“But I am, in fact, seeing a goat in the middle of my space?” Q asked, still hoping this was either a dream or a fantastic hallucination. He drained the rest of the espresso in one scalding gulp. Eyes watering and coughing from the heat, he continued, “Is that what I’m being led to believe here?”

The look on Alec’s face said it all. There really was a goat in the middle of Nova Prospekt. Giving Q his best pleading look, Alec reached out to him. “We didn’t have anywhere else to take him. They wanted to sacrifice him, and we —”

“Yes, I gathered that,” Q cut in, backing up so Alec couldn’t envelop him. Knowing Q’s love for human contact, it was a trick Alec used regularly. “What I want to know is why it’s _here._ ”

Rebuffed, Alec stepped back. “Well, it’s like I said, we didn’t have anywhere else to take him. We rescued him after the town chief expressed interest in thanking us for-”

“Alec,” James interjected, looking pointedly again at the other agent. This was another of those security clearance issues, he knew — as if he wasn’t fully capable of hacking MI6 to find out the details himself?

“Christ, James, I wasn’t going to tell him anything. Do you think you two could stop bloody interrupting me long enough so I can get this out?” Alec exclaimed. He turned to Q. “The guy was going to sacrifice the goat for us. When I tried to stop him, he tried to get me to marry his daughter instead. Since I _assumed_ my bringing home a wife wouldn’t really sit all that well with you, I asked to keep the goat. Excuse me for not thinking ten steps ahead and knowing what to do with him once we got here.”

“I thought you were the strategist.” James smirked. “How did you not see this coming?”

“No sleep for three and a half days, James. Three. And a half. _Days_.”

As Alec and James bickered, Q couldn’t tear his eyes away from the goat. It was – and Q refused to call it a him – standing on a blanket Alec or James must have laid out, staring right back at Q. It was mostly white with a few black spots on its back and black fur running halfway up its legs, giving the impression it was wearing socks. It didn’t have horns, but that didn’t mean anything; not all goats did. It was small, though, about the size of a smaller-breed dog, actually. Probably no more than two or three stone. As he watched, the goat stretched out before lying down on its makeshift bed. Baby goat or not, it was cute. Even Q couldn’t deny that animals bred to look like their junior counterparts were cute. That wasn’t what was occupying Q’s mind, though. He wasn’t that familiar with this particular type, but he did know that goats tended to eat everything. Literally everything. As he looked at all the loose components lying around, a hysterical giggle escaped him. At the sound, both agents stopped and looked at him.

  


“So you thought the best option was to bring the thing here,” Q started, rounding on them with a maniacal glint in his eyes. “An animal that is _known_ for eating everything it can get in its mouth. And _you_ thought would do well in a room full of loose wire and components and _extremely_ expensive equipment? You – two of the smartest, deadliest people I have ever known – thought it would be a good idea to _rescue_ this beast and bring it back _here?!_ ” At this point, Q was openly laughing. “I was right. The two of you really should not be left alone together.”

Both agents just stared, looking more at a loss for words than Q had ever seen either of them. He normally shut down when faced with a problem he didn’t have an answer to. It was rare for him to actually get worked up like this. Q took a deep breath and said, “Take it to a farm in Hertfordshire. Take it back to the bloody hotel. I don’t care. But it is NOT staying here.”

With that he turned and headed upstairs. He had enough caffeine in him now, ensuring he wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon, but he knew that if he didn’t leave immediately, the adorable creatures staring back at him would convince him to let the goat stay. And he wasn’t referring simply to the agents.

~~~~

“Well, shit.” Bond ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

“What do we do with him now?”

“Honestly, Alec, do you really know if it’s a him?”

“I did some research on the way back”

“Seriously? When? Never mind. What _exactly_ did you learn?”

Alec turned back and stared at the goat. He’d only turned on a couple of lights when they arrived, and the subtle light gave the goat a somewhat angelic glow. Given Q’s propensity to not actually _be_ awake for a good thirty minutes after he woke up, Alec could understand why he hadn’t immediately believed the goat was there. On their way back from Africa, he really had researched the creature. He didn’t know what to do with it when they got back, but James was right; Alec was the strategist. He may not have known all the answers for when they got home, but he made damn sure he knew enough about goats to know where to start.

Alec said, turning back to James. “He’s male because, well, I learned what to look for and I checked.” At this James started laughing, which Alec resolutely ignored. “And despite Q’s assumption that it eats _everything_ , these guys really don’t, just greens and shit. James, for god’s sake, people keep them as pets.”

“And was that your master plan?” James mused. “Bring it here and get it to make friends with Q’s ferrets?”

“Actually, now that you mention it...”

Bond threw up his hands, “Bloody hell, Alec! All right, you chose to bring this thing back, so you figure out what to do with it. In the meantime, I’m going to go spend time with our boyfriend whom _we haven’t seen in weeks._ ” With that, Bond turned and strode off in the same direction Q had left.

~~~~

Q sat down at his desk and shifted his mouse to wake up the computer. As his programs came back online, one of his ferrets, Chell, scurried over to curl up in his lap. He petted her absently while waiting for the camera feed from downstairs to load. He wanted to make damn sure Bond and Alec removed the walking shop-vac from the hackerspace.

“I don’t know what they were thinking,” Q mused to Chell. “It’s a goat. A sodding goat! It’s not like they brought a cat or even, god forbid, a dog.” He shuddered at the thought. He’d had dogs growing up and had never been a big fan of them. “Granted, the thing is mildly adorable, but we spend enough time tearing things apart down there ourselves. We don’t need extra help.”

“As much as the sight of you sitting there petting Chell is adorable in its own right, I think I would much prefer you petting me.”

Q jumped at the sound of James’ voice, banging his knee violently into the underside of his desk. He dislodged Chell in the process, who took off with an indignant shriek.

Q cursed as he rubbed his knee; it was definitely going to bruise. “Fucking hell, James! Are you _actually_ sure you aren’t part ninja?”

James just smirked, leaning against the doorframe. “I’d say I feel bad, but if you’d actually learn to lock up properly when you came in, you might have had fair warning.”

“Piss off.”

Infuriatingly, James started laughing as he walked over. He pulled Q’s chair back a little bit before stepping between the desk and Q’s legs. He sat on the edge of the desk, leaned over to cup Q’s face in his hands, and, pulling his best ‘innocent-assassin’ face, purred at Q, “I’m sorry you hurt yourself. Want me to kiss it and make it better?”

Q really wanted to tell him that he could _definitely_ piss off again, but having James this close after so long was making his brain go fuzzy. So the best he could come up with was to remove his glasses, setting them on the desk, and close the last few millimeters to give James another proper hello. Q wrapped his arms around James’ shoulders before he stood up to lean between James’ legs. James wound his hands down around Q’s waist, holding him close.

They broke apart after several long moments. Q rested his forehead against James’ and smiled. “I really missed you, too.”

Smiling back, James picked Q up and carried him to the bedroom. It didn’t take much before all thoughts of furry creatures were long gone from Q’s mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tuesday, 14 May, 2013**

 

Q woke up sometime around 7:00am. He still wasn’t sure of this, though, which meant he really needed to start keeping track of his glasses at bedtime. That or get a clock with bigger numbers. _Much_ bigger numbers. He thought his glasses might be over by his desk in his office, but as the events of the night before hadn’t quite caught up with him, he wasn’t completely certain of the accuracy of that train of thought. The problem with checking, though, was the rather vice-like grip a certain Double-O currently had around his waist. As Q tried to wriggle out of his predicament James simply shifted and pulled him in tighter.

“James,” Q whispered rubbing at James’ arm. “James, I need to get up.”

“No, you don’t,” Bond mumbled into the pillow, barely awake. “It’s Saturday. No work on Saturdays.”

“Actually, it’s Tuesday. And that statement wouldn’t be valid, regardless, considering neither of our occupations keeps regular business hours.”

James lifted his head and looked around, perplexed. “It’s Tuesday? I swear we just had Tuesday.”

“Well, yes. Considering Tuesday happens every week, I’m sure that’s bound to be the case every once in a while.”

“Smart arse.”

“I do try.” With that, Q gave a push on James’ arm, stumbling out of bed before the agent could realize what was going on.

Q threw on a pair of pants before walking over to his office. He found his glasses where he’d left them on his desk and slid them on. He figured caffeine was in order, but considering the somewhat lucid conversation he’d just had, he wasn’t completely certain there wasn’t still some left in his system. Tapping on the keys of his computer, he leaned over to see what programs he’d been running, only to be confronted with the CCTV feed from inside Nova Prospekt and a vision that made all the events from the night before come crashing back down on his at least somewhat sleep-addled brain.

Alec, sleeping in the middle of the floor. With the goat.

_What the fuck?_

____

“James!”

Shit.

“BOND!”

No really. _Shit._

Q was not the type of person to raise his voice, Bond knew this much. Agitated, sure. Pensive, absolutely. Truly irate, though, that was new. Q raising his voice would normally be the kind of cause for alarm that would have the rather paranoid assassin out of bed, gun drawn, and seeking to destroy whatever was causing his lover distress. But Bond was also nothing if not keenly observant. And in the instant he heard his name, he knew Q wasn’t scared, or hurt, or in trouble. Q was furious.

“Yes?” Bond answered quietly. He had the distinct feeling that this had something to do with Alec and the goat, but was in no hurry to be dragged back into that clusterfuck. Alec brought this mess back with him from Africa, he should be the one to deal with Q.

Q came stomping back into the bedroom, stopping at the edge of the bed to stare Bond down. Bond really wanted to tell him that he looked about as intense as a tiger cub, but he was pretty sure that wouldn’t go over too well at the moment. Turning onto his back, he looked up at Q.

“What’s wrong, love?” Bond asked.

Fists clenched at his sides and roiling with indignant fury, Q demanded, “ _Please_ explain to me what that _thing_ is still doing in the middle of my hackerspace! I asked you both to get it out of here last night. I remember. I remember saying that!” Bond tried to respond, but Q steamrolled right over him. “It’s still there, though. With Alec. Who is sleeping with it in the middle of the _bloody fucking floor_! I thought I made–”

“Wait.” Bond said, cutting Q off. “Alec is sleeping in the middle of Nova? With the goat?”

“I just said that! Ooh. OOH! You!” Q started gesticulating wildly at Bond, “You seduced me last night to hide this, didn’t you?”

Bond gave Q a baleful look. “You honestly believe, after being gone for a month, my need to have you naked was because of the goat?”

Q hands dropped back down to his sides and he stared at Bond, obviously wrong-footed, but still too angry to know what to do with it. They stared at each other for several minutes, waiting to see who would crack first. Bond knew it wouldn’t be him. Enough instances of interrogation meant he could wait this out for hours. Hell, a comfortable bed and not being tied up? Possibly even days. Unsurprisingly, Q blinked first.

“Okay fine,” Q said, “maybe that wasn’t the case. But Alec is sleeping in the middle of the floor with that goat when I specifically asked you guys to get it out of here. I mean, honestly James, there are so many things it can get into. I don’t need my equipment damaged and I certainly don’t need an injured goat on my hands. Just because you two can’t stay insured doesn’t mean I should have to follow suit!”

“Really? I mean, Alec is really sleeping in the middle of the floor with it?” Bond couldn’t get past the idea of it. Alec had been behind some rather crazy antics in his day, but it usually involved the destruction of things, not the nurturing of them, save Q. This was something Bond was going to need to see for himself. Getting up, he walked naked into Q’s office, as Q trailed behind. Looking at Q’s monitors, the sight of Alec snuggled up on the blankets with the goat caused Bond to burst out laughing.

With tears in his now bright eyes, Bond turned to Q, “Please take a screen capture of this and send it to me. Please. Name your price because this,” he turned and pointed back at the monitor, “is going up all over MI6.”

“James, really. I would no sooner embarrass you as embarrass him. But that’s not the point. I asked for it to be gone and it’s not.”

Bond turned and wrapped his arms around Q’s waist, pulling him close. “Yes you did. I also heard you when you said you didn’t want the goat or your things damaged. But Q, Alec is there with the goat. He may be sleeping, but as you know, we tend to be light sleepers, so even if it decided to get up and try to wander off, I doubt it would get far.”

Q made to respond, but Bond silenced him with a light kiss. “Please also remember that we didn’t get in until well into the middle of the night. We had nowhere to go with it, so Alec stayed here.”

“Well, if that was the case, why did he stay down there? Why not just come up here?”

Bond sighed, “Yes, can you really see the goat hanging around with Gordon and Chell? There’s enough chaos around here as it is. Besides,” Bond said, looking pointedly at Q. “You made it very clear last night that the goat was unwanted.”

Whether Q meant to or not, he had made both agents feel slightly less than important the night before. True, they had come back with a rather unexpected surprise, but after being gone for so long, neither was expecting Q to simply turn and walk off the way he did. While both managed to cover up that feeling of rejection, it didn’t mean it wasn’t there.

“I didn’t – I wasn’t trying to – It’s just when I saw that thing...” Q looked around and stuttered over his words, clearly not sure what to say. He paused and took a breath before looking back up at Bond. “I’m sorry. I guess I was rather thoughtless last night, wasn’t I?”

“A little,” Bond said, rubbing a hand over Q’s back. “But you had good reason, so neither of us is actually mad. That said, I would still go down and talk to Alec. He really did have good reason for bringing the goat back.”

“What is it?” Q asked, with a sudden curious expression.

“Well, it was either bring it back or-”

“No, the goat,” Q interrupted, “What is it? I mean, what type of goat is it? Alec said it wasn’t a baby goat, but it’s rather small. Do you know what kind it is?”

Bond racked his brain, trying to remember the influx of information Alec had thrown at him last night. Alec had definitely done his research. “A pig goat? No, that’s not right. Pygmy. Yes, a pygmy goat.”

Q wriggled out of Bond’s arms and turned to the computer, doing a quick search on pygmy goats. Watching Q read, and seeing the comprehension on his face, Bond wondered, not for the first time, if Q actually had an eidetic memory.

“Okay, so they don’t actually eat _everything_ and seem fairly domesticated, despite wherever you two may have picked it up from.” Q took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a sigh. “Since I apparently don’t need to rush down there and restrain the creature, I’m taking a shower and thoroughly caffeinating myself before facing my firing squad.” With that, Q dropped his glasses back on his desk, turned and headed for the bathroom.

____

Q felt... Well, Q didn’t know what he felt. As he stood in the middle of the cafe and waited for his lovely, lovely lifeline to come streaming out of the rather expensive contraption in front of him, he thought about what he was going to say to Alec. He was still upset they had brought the goat back here, but he felt rather guilty for getting so upset and especially for taking off the night before. He knew James was right – they really didn’t have anywhere to go.

Q pulled himself another triple shot of espresso and headed back upstairs. As bad as he felt for blowing off Alec and James last night – even if James did come to the flat, after the fact – it still didn’t change the fact that there was a goat in Nova. He was going to have to apologise, but he was also going to have to put his foot down.

Walking in, he heard a gaggle of voices coming from inside the centerspace of the workshop. When he came around the corner he saw several of his members crowded around where Alec and the goat had been sleeping. They all seemed intent on the little creature, leaning down to pet it and generally cooing over it like a swarm of 30-something girls descending on a newborn child. As he watched on in horror, one of the girls, Summer, crawled up next to Alec and took the goat, cradling it in her lap.

"He really is just precious, Alec," Summer said, petting the goat as it curled up in her lap. "Where did you say you got him?"

"James and I picked him up on our last business trip to Johannesburg. One of our clients owns a petting zoo and actually offered the guy up for such a smooth transition." It was amazing how easily the lies rolled out of him, considering just how flippantly honest he was otherwise.

"What's his name?" Summer asked.

"You know we actually never got that far. Hell, didn't even know he was a he until late last night. Why?" Alec all but purred at her, "Would you like to name him?" Leaning over a bit, he gave Summer his most charming smile, and Q watched as she turned a spectacular shade of red. Damn the two of them. Alec and James really needed to stop doing that to his members.

Before Summer could have an outright heart attack, Q spoke up from where he was standing near the door, "Morning everyone." Q walked in and stood over Summer next to Alec, who draped his arm over Q's shoulder's, kissing him on the top of the head. "I see you met our new mascot," Q smirked at the goat.

Alec shifted next to Q, who looked up to see a stupid grin playing across the agent's face. "No, Alec," Q said, giving Alec a stern look. "I meant that facetiously. We're not keeping it." The collective groan that resonated in the room caught Q off guard. He looked around at everyone in the room, all of whom were giving him looks ranging from disappointment to out and out exasperation. "Seriously? These things will eat _wire_. Do you really want it running loose around your projects?" Q expected that would hit home with this group, but all he got were a bunch of shifty, guilty looks.

Summer spoke up first, "We really don't want it eating any of our work, but so far it hasn't got into anything. He's actually been really well-behaved!"

"And exactly how long has it been left to its own devices?" Q asked.  

Summer opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Q had a point and he knew it. If Alec was still there, it had not been left alone once, so it never had a chance to get into anything. But everyone else still seemed more interested in the goat than in what Q was saying. How could they not understand the damage this thing would inflict on his space if it was left unattended? He understood what he'd read earlier, but it was still a goat. Actually, more importantly, it was an _animal_. Q wouldn't even let his ferrets hang out down here for fear of the damage they might cause. But that didn't seem to matter. Everyone around him seemed to be avoiding looking at him. Q turned and looked up at Alec with a mild sense of panic. He couldn't lose this argument. "I'm sorry, Alec, but no. Really, no. I just can't have it here. I can't! I'm responsible for what happens around here and I can't be responsible for the damage it may or may not cause. Please understand that it just can't stay. Please - "

Alec leaned down and cut Q off with a light but firm kiss. "I understand," Alec said, whispering into Q's ear. "I never meant for it to be a permanent situation. I just needed somewhere to go and this is where I came. I'll figure it out."

At Alec's words, Q was instantly reminded of his behavior the night before. Feeling personally chastised, Q turned and kissed Alec just under his ear, a spot he knew Alec loved. "I understand, and I'm sorry," Q said, speaking softly to Alec. "Especially about last night. I was incorrigibly rude and I feel wretched about it. Please forgive me?" Q turned and looked up at Alec, apologetically.

Alec smiled back at Q, his eyes soft. "Always."

Q leaned in and kissed Alec properly. After several moments, he broke away reluctantly turning back to everyone else. "I'm sorry guys, but the goat can't stay. Alec will be finding a home for it today. I simply can't risk it being - "

"He," Alec interjected.

"I’m sorry?" Q turned back to Alec, perplexed.

"It's a he. It's been established, you really need to stop calling him an 'it'," Alec responded. Q immediately felt his insides get a bit colder. This wasn't going to end well. Trying to keep a firm line, Q stepped out of Alec's reach.

"The problem with calling it a 'he' is that once you start referencing it's gender, you want to name it. And once you name it, you want to keep it. It would simply be best for everyone if we didn't make those mistakes.” Q turned and started walking towards the back room. “Now, please. Find somewhere for it to go and get it out of here.”

____

Q had been sitting in the back room at his desk staring at the same circuit board for the last hour, trying to concentrate. When he’d come back here it had taken another ten minutes for the talking and general noise to die down. Now all he heard was music, the mildly hypnotic sound of keys being typed, soldering, and the occasional comment or two. The normal sounds of Nova Prospekt were back in full swing, but he couldn’t focus on his project. Q had spent the better part of his adult life living in a cloud of fear, and any disruptions of his day-to-day still left him on edge. Apparently a goat no bigger than a medium-sized dog had that same effect.

Q stood up and stretched. If he couldn’t work on his own project, he might as well see what everyone else was up to. Truth be told, when he’d come in earlier, he hadn’t even really noticed who was there. He had been so caught up with Alec and the goat, he hadn’t paid attention. Now he saw Summer working on one of the computers up front, while her best friend Riley, also one of his regulars (really the guy almost never left), leaning over her shoulder, talking quietly, but animatedly about whatever she was typing. Sapphire was passing around coffee cups to three guys in the back corner who fancied themselves robotics engineers, but that was all Q knew, as they tended to keep to themselves. The work they left behind was never complicated enough for Q to think they might be building Skynet, so he didn’t pry. Finally he saw his two newest members, Sky and Corny, leaning over an old-fashioned drafting table, also near the front. Sky was one of those girls who fancied herself the Betty Page-type, so her jet black hair was always styled, with ridiculously red lips and clothes that screamed voluptuous casual. Corny, on the other hand, looked like he belonged in some beatnik hipster coffee shop, with his perpetual 3-day shadow, loose fitting beanies, and expensive, but worn-down t-shirts and jeans. The fact that his jeans fit him _perfectly_ was his one redeeming quality.

Q headed over to Summer and Riley to see what sort of programme they were working on – code-cracking was always his favorite – but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the goat curled up on the floor, asleep next to Summer’s tower. Q stupidly lifted a finger, pointing at the goat. “Um, Summer, what is–”

“Shhh!” Summer hissed at him, not looking up.

“Excuse me?” Q responded, incredulously.

Sapphire walked up next to Q, “Phil’s sleeping, you need to keep it down.”

It took Q an embarrassingly long moment to register what she had just said. He turned to stare at her. “I’m sorry, _Phil_?”

She turned back to him, bemused, before she said, “Well, what did you expect? We can’t just call the Nova Mascot ‘Goat’.

“HE’S NOT ACTUALLY A MASCOT!” Q yelped. Sapphire took a step back, wide-eyed, as the whole room went silent, everyone turning and looking at him. As he searched the faces of his members, he saw a mixture of sheepish, guilty expressions running around the room. So it wasn’t just Sapphire. And Summer. And Riley. It seemed everyone was a fan of this _Phil_. Mildly crazed, Q turned around, pointing at everyone, “MUTINY! THIS IS MUTINY! You can’t all –”

Q was interrupted by a loud bleat coming from around Summer’s legs. Everyone turned to the goat, obviously woken up by Q’s ranting. He looked around guiltily, as Summer leaned down to pull the goat into her lap and give Q a baleful look. Feeling his ears get hot, Q turned back to Sapphire, a bit quieter, “Um, sorry about that. But he is not a bloody mascot. He’s not a pet. He’s not even supposed to be _here_. Why is he still here?”

“I don’t know," she shrugged. "I passed Alec on the way in and I heard him on the phone talking about it. I wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, though.”

“Who named it Phil?” Q asked, someone accusatory.

Summer turned and looked up at Q. “I did.”

Q turned and stared at her, eyes narrowing. “Why Phil?”

“It’s short for Agent Phil Coulson,” Riley responded, smiling.

“I’m sorry, Agent Coulson? From The Avengers Initiative?” Q looked down at Riley’s shirt and saw he was wearing a dark blue t-shirt with the phrase #COULSONLIVES in simple white block lettering across the front. “Of course it is,” Q deadpanned.

It was at that moment that Alec walked back in, typing on his phone. When he looked up and saw Q, he immediately turned around and walked right back out.

“Oh no you don’t!” Q ran after Alec, catching up with him just before Alec reached the door. He grabbed Alec by the arm and spun him around. “What happened? I thought you were taking the goat out of here!” Q could feel himself going a bit wild-eyed, but he couldn’t help it. This was turning into the nightmare that wouldn’t end. “They named it, Alec. Named it! Remember what I said barely an hour ago about naming animals? You can’t name them! That’s how they become pets! We don’t need a pet, Alec. I have two ferrets already, and you and James are like overgrown retrievers. I don’t need another something to look after!”

Alec placed both his hands on Q’s shoulders, looking him in the eye before he responded, “Q, I get that. I actually called a petting zoo up near Cardiff. They would be willing to have a look, but they’re actually closed on Tuesdays. I can’t go until at least tomorrow.”

At the thought of another 24 hours with the goat here, Q started to mildly panic. “What do you mean, not open?” Q ran his hands through his hair hard enough to make it stick up. “Even if they’re closed to the public, someone must be there! Can’t you go anyway?”

Alec tried to smooth down Q’s hair, only to have Q bat his hand away. Alec sighed, “I tried, love. I asked that very question, but apparently their vet needs to be on site and he’s not there, either.” Alec looked at Q with a touch of concern. “I don’t understand what’s upsetting you so much. It’s a goat, Q, not the tasmanian devil. What are you so worried about?”

Q looked around, searching for an answer. The truth was, he didn’t know what was bothering him so much about the goat. After everything he’d read that morning, he knew it – fine, he – was relatively harmless. Q also knew that he was bloody adorable, that much was obvious. But Q’s knowledge of pet animals had never extended beyond anything the size of a small dog or house cat. His parents had dogs, but only the small ones were ever in the house. And they were terrors. It could be said that on more than one occasion as a child, Q had had to school himself from punting the vicious little ankle biters across the room. Not something he was proud of, but he still secretly felt they deserved it, even if he had never actually acted on it.

Q slumped and leaned his forehead against Alec’s chest. “Honestly, Alec, I don’t know,” he said, somewhat muffled, as he wrapped his arms around Alec’s waist, turning his head up to rest on taller man’s shoulder, and burying his face in Alec’s neck. “It’s not like I have some horrible childhood trauma with animals. We had dogs as a kid, but they were just your run-of-the-mill yap dogs. Plus, I have Gordon and Chell, so obviously I don’t have a problem with pets in general.” Q leaned back to look up at Alec, ‘But this is a goat, Alec. And it’s in my Nova, not the flat. I’m genuinely afraid of it getting into something.”

Tentatively this time, Alec lifted a hand to smooth out Q’s hair. He leaned forward and kissed Q on the top his head. “It’s just for one more day. And he isn’t being left alone. Can’t you survive with Phil just until tomorrow?”

At the sound of the goat's name, Q closed his eyes and groaned, “Oh no, not you, too!” Q dropped his hands and huffed, opening his eyes again. He finally looked back up at Alec. "Fine, he can stay, but please, not the name!”

Alec simply wrapped his arms around Q and chuckled.

____

Bond was hiding. He knew he was hiding. It was neither his finest nor his proudest moment, but there it was. After Q had gone downstairs, Bond sat at Q's computer to watch the events unfold. While Q’s initial interaction with Alec had seemed fairly innocuous, Bond knew he was still pissed. The way he carried his shoulders slightly hunched up, flexing his fingers, and walking towards his desk with _purpose_ spoke volumes to Bond. Q wasn't going to stop being irate until the goat was officially gone.

So when the goat didn't immediately leave after Q went into the back, Bond decided it might well be in his best interest to stay out of the line of fire for a change. After all, he hadn't made it to Double-O status for nothing.

Bond convinced himself it was his after-action report that needed completion before he could start his day. That was also the reason he used for camping out at Q’s computer. It had nothing to do with watching the drama of the goat unfold on the monitors. Absolutely nothing at all.

Just as Bond submitted his AAR, he heard the front door open. Chell, who had taken up residence in Bond’s lap all morning, jumped down and skittered after the noise, probably hoping for Q and for food. What she got for her troubles was almost getting stepped on by Alec as he came to stand in the doorway of Q’s office.

“Well, I’m fucked,” Alec said, as he took a cigarette case and lighter out of his jacket pocket. He took one out and offered it to Bond, who shook his head. Alec lit the cigarette and took a healthy drag before continuing. “I may have told a little white lie to Q about Phil.”

“Who’s Phil?” Bond asked, confused.

“The goat,” Alec replied, taking another drag on his cigarette. “That twat who never leaves, Riley, named him. Summer’s friend. Named him after the only real bad ass in that Avengers movie.”

“Oh, you mean Agent Coulson?” Bond smirked.

“That’s the one,” Alec replied, pointing his cigarette in Bond's direction as a small laugh escaped around a cloud of smoke.

Bond leaned back in the chair. “So what’s this 'little white lie’ you told Q? Please tell me I’m not going to have to stab you. Last time I stabbed you, I ended up your bloody caretaker, completely negating the entire point of the exercise. Do I need to stab you?”

“Not likely. I’m pretty sure when Q finds out – and he will find out – he’ll do the job for you. Hell, he’ll probably do a more proper job of it, too.” Alec shifted and leaned against the door frame. “I may have told him that the petting zoo I called was closed for today and that’s why Phil was still here. That’s not entirely accurate. They’re actually closed for the remainder of the week.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” Bond asked.

Alec huffed, obviously tense and definitely guilty. “I told Q the goat would be gone by tomorrow, but they can’t even look at him until Monday.”

Bond stared at Alec incredulously. “Let me get this straight. You told your boyfriend – the one who has trust issues – the goat would only be here another day and you can’t get rid of it for a week?”

“Not a week!” Alec replied defensively, standing up straight. “Not exactly.”

“Today’s Tuesday, Alec. That’s a fucking week in my book!”

“Fine! A week, then! Jesus.” Alec fell against the door jam again, obviously irritated. “They’re closed for some quarterly maintenance bullshit and their head vet took holiday while the zoo is closed. Apparently any new animals have to be seen by him first.”

“Oh this is just bloody fucking precious, isn’t it?” Bond laughed hollowly, running a hand down his face and then through his hair before looking back up at Alec, finally reaching something close to anger. “That’s not a _little_ white lie, Alec. He doesn’t want the bloody thing here at all! Did he yell at you this morning? Because he yelled at me. Well, screeched is more like it. He saw you sleeping with the thing and screeched at me. I didn’t bring it back and I’m the one who’s getting attacked for it!” Bond stood up abruptly, causing the chair to go skidding into the wall behind him, and walked around the desk to face Alec. “I”m going downstairs and you are coming with me. You _will_ tell him the truth, Alec. I am not going to get blackballed from both Nova and from seeing our boyfriend because you’re too chicken shit to be honest with him!”

Alec stared back at Bond, stupidly. “Me?! Me be honest with him! Are you seriously going to pull that fucking card right now?” Alec walked towards Bond, stopping mere inches from his face. “And where have you been all morning? Hiding up here! And don’t even tell me it was to complete the goddamn AAR because if you tell me you actually turned in an AAR within 48 hours because you _felt_ like it, I will eat Gordon and Chell’s mice!”

Bond snorted, staring at Alec. “Yes, because that’s the worst thing you could possibly ingest. Hell, is it even the worst thing you’ve ever ingested? Don't answer that.” Fuck Alec for knowing Bond so well. He was right, Bond didn’t really have a leg to stand on. At exactly what point did two of the fiercest Double O's to ever grace the halls of MI6 became afraid of their skinny, skittish boyfriend?

Bond and Alec continued to stare each other down. Unlike this morning with Q, this was going to be a much tougher contest. There was always a chance, under Alec’s intense gaze, that Bond would crack first.

Or Alec might. It really was 50/50 with the two of them.

At that moment, the front door opened again and Q came storming down the hallway. As he approached the office door, Alec moved closer to Bond, getting out of Q’s way. “What the bloody buggering fuck are you two yelling about?” Q exclaimed. “I can actually hear you both all the way downstairs.”

As Q glared at them, Bond smirked before leaning back and sitting on the edge of the desk. He turned to Alec, “Tell him, then,” Bond said, gesturing vaguely in Q’s direction. “Tell him exactly why we’re having such a spirited conversation up here.”

Q turned to look at Alec. “What is he talking about?”

Alec, for his part, couldn't decide who to address. He looked over at Bond before turning back to Q, then back again. Finally he took a tentative step in Q’s direction. “So. Earlier,” he started, hands twitching as he struggled to look Q in the face. “I may not have been entirely truthful about the situation with the petting zoo.”

Q’s expression narrowed. “What do you mean, not entirely truthful?”

Alec’s expression had gone wary as he still refused to look directly at Q. “Well, what I said about them being closed and without a vet to see Phil was true. I just may have fudged a little on the exact duration of how long the zoo would be closed.”

Q’s face turned slightly green before taking on the faint, neutral expression both Bond and Alec used frequently during interrogations. “Exactly how much did you ‘fudge’ on the number, Alec?” Q asked, taking a step towards Alec, his voice going tight.

Alec looked back at Bond, more than a little alarmed. Seriously, when did Q become scarier than their usual targets? Alec took a step back, finally looking at Q. “Six days. The zoo won’t be able to see Phil for six days.”

_“WHAT?!”_

Bond flinched at Q as Alec took three good measured steps back. Q had taken on a positively murderous glare that he was currently directing at both of them. This was crap, as far as Bond was concerned. He wasn’t the one who’d brought the sodding thing back in the first place.

Of course, that didn’t fucking matter. It seemed it was his turn to clean up the mess. He stood up from the desk and turned to face Q, deliberately putting himself between his crazed boyfriend and his best friend. “Q, love, listen to me. We’ll get it out of here. The goat will be gone by the end of the day.”

Q barked out a laugh. “Oh really, James? And where will you take it? You can’t go back to the hotel with it and you apparently can’t take it to this shoddy sounding zoo with it’s closed doors and no proper supervision. You have _nowhere to go_."

Q had a point, but Bond was nothing if not an improvisation master. “We’ll figure it out. We’ll just take it to MI6 and unleash the little beast on Intentions.”

Alec laughed from behind Bond. “Yes, that’s the better plan. Either that or Morris in Accounting. Maybe a good babysitting job will keep him off our arses about that tank we blew up.”

Bond looked back at Alec. “Or piss him off even more.”

“Damn. Right. Nevermind, then.”

Q looked between Alec and Bond and seemed to deflate. “Forget it,” he said with a sigh. “The goat stays here. I am so _angry_ about this whole situation and the fact that you lied," Q said, looking at them, "but I’m not cruel – “

“I didn’t lie,” Bond mumbled.

“What?” Q snapped.

Bond looked up him, “I didn’t lie. I didn’t tell you it would be gone in 24 hours when that obviously wasn’t the case. Hell, I wasn't even the one to bring the ruddy thing back,” he replied, turning back to give Alec a pointed look before facing Q again. “Not exactly sure why I’m being lumped into the ‘Naughty Boys Club’ over here. I’m actually trying to _help_.”

Q stared at Bond in disbelief for several moments. Finally, without another word, Q turned and walked out of the flat.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Sunday, 19 May, 2013**

 

“Report.”

“No damage today, _sir_. Just like there was no damage yesterday, as well as no damage the day before. Nova Prospekt is, as of now, damage free.”

“Don’t call me sir.”

“You know, my dad always thought I should call him sir. But the only time I ever actually did was when he was being a right arse.”

“Cheers, Sapphie”

“Piss off, Q.”

Q turned and smiled at Sapphire as they stood in the doorway of the hackerspace, a leash in Sapphie’s hand. It had been five days since James and Alec and brought the goat back. So far, the goat had been on his best behavior, but Q wasn’t taking any chances. By tomorrow, the creature would be gone – hopefully – and Q could breathe a sigh of relief. As it turned out, Sapphire was able to take him home with her, but Q didn’t like burdening her with it. While James had been mildly petulant in his attempt to school Q over who exactly had brought the goat back, he was still right. Alec was the responsible party. Truthfully Q was more upset with Alec for lying about their guest’s length of stay, rather than why he was here to begin with. Alec did have good reason, after all.

Of course, that didn’t stop him from banning the pair from at least his flat in revenge. They came in each day to Nova – never together – and lingered until Q, who tried to ignore them, finally got frustrated and made them leave. The problem was he knew he was being childish and, frankly, he was really lonely. He was more miserable about them not being around than he was about Phil being around. Stupid goat, getting in the way of his relationships.

Q looked down at Phil, who had wandered over to his pile of blankets near Summer’s regular computer and was laying down, staring back at them. “Look, I know you need to open up next door. Give me the leash and I’ll watch him for now.”

Sapphire eyed Q suspiciously. “Are you sure?”

“You know, contrary to popular belief, my head will not actually spontaneously combust if left alone with the creature.”

Sapphire snorted. “Well, considering the fact that you went nuclear on _both_ of your boyfriends, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t immediately jump to believe you on that one.”

Q looked back at her with a guilty expression, but didn’t immediately respond. After a moment, he reached out for the leash and she wordlessly dropped it in his hand before turning and walking off. Q finally wandered over to the goat and sat down, cross-legged, in front of him. He stared at Phil, as though trying to burrow into his thoughts.

"Look. I know this whole thing isn't your fault, but I can't have you here. You could get into things that could harm both you and my space." Phil looked up at Q with doleful eyes. Q tried to look away, but it didn't seem to help. He could feel Phil staring at him, all pitiful.

When Phil bleated at him, Q’s heart gave a little lurch, which he was determined to resolutely ignore. "Oh stop it. Sad eyes will get you nowhere." Q said, as he turned back. Phil's eyes got even wider, opening up horizontally instead of vertically, which Q found equal parts disconcerting and fascinating. Phil was obviously doing it on purpose. He was just that good.

"Seriously, stop it. This isn't working!" Q tried turning away again, but as luck would have it, Phil reached out, dropping a hoof on Q's forearm. Damn, the little hell beast.

Q looked down at Phil. He really was quite small, and just completely beyond adorable. Q's eyes traveled down to the hoof on his arm and back up at the black and white furriness staring up at him. "Look, I get that you need a place to stay. I also get that you were rescued from certain death. I mean, with Alec doing the rescuing, how could you not become attached? I'm attached. Quite a lot actually. But I just don't see how it could work for you here..."

Phil withdrew his leg before curling up, seemingly intent on ignoring Q's words and attempting to go to sleep. Q sat for a few more moments, before petting Phil on the head and getting up. Several of his hackerspace members were due to arrive shortly, so he didn't feel the need to watch Phil's every move. In actuality, his members were volunteering to show up in what appeared to be regular intervals. Q didn't want to admit that they were aiming for consistency because of Phil, but not a single Nova Prospekt member in the history of forever had expressed interest in a regular schedule. Now they all seemed to be showing up in shifts.

\----

Alec stood outside the cafe smoking what must have been his third fag in the last thirty minutes. It was dark inside, but he knew Sapphire would be there any minute to start opening up. She normally worked nights, except on Sunday, when the owner, Alan Seigel, took his wife to church. Alec had a key, but at this point, he wouldn't have put it past Q to have changed the locks.

Alec hadn't seen Q in two days. He had tried to come in to see Phil and check up on Q, but Q was resolutely choosing to ignore him. After the third day of Q heading into the back and shouting out to the general group that he was not to be disturbed as soon as Alec showed up, Alec figured he could take a hint and stopped coming.

Today, though, Alec got up early to head over when he knew most of the members wouldn't be there and he could use the empty hackerspace to his advantage. It was time to ambush Q.

Just as Alec was debating a fourth cigarette, the lights came on in the cafe and he saw Sapphire come around the side door that lead the the hackerspace. He tapped lightly on the glass, hoping to get her attention without scaring her half to death. When she looked up to see who it was, she let out a resigned sigh at the sight before coming to unlock the door.

'He's next door," she said, as she opened the door and stepped aside to let Alec in. "You should know that he's actually babysitting Phil right now."

Alec raised his eyebrows at her. "Really?" he asked, a bit warily. "Does that mean he's in a bad mood?"

Sapphire finished locking the door behind them before turning to face Alec. She paused, looking at Alec thoughtfully, as though choosing her words carefully. "Not a bad mood, per se. He actually sounded chipper, but I know him better than that. Alec, he's miserable." She walked over to Alec, shoving him lightly in the chest. "And it's your fault! You bring this thing here and he doesn't want it, but you leave it anyway," Alec opened his mouth to interrupt, but she cut him off and started pacing. "I know you didn't have a choice, he didn't give you one. I got the whole story. But instead of fighting him on it, or even fighting for him when he decided to ignore you guys, you just stopped coming! So now, he has a goat he doesn't want and he doesn't have the two boyfriends he does want. That's not right or fair."

"Sapphie, I get that. What do you think I'm doing here?" Alec went to grab that fourth cigarette he now so desperately wanted, only to have Sapphire snatch the pack out of his hands.

"No smoking in here."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" The look Alec got in return told him enough. He walked over and sat on one of the bar stools. He turned to face her, his hands folded in his lap. "Fine. Whatever. I just need to fix this." He looked up at her, his expression hopeful. "Any bright ideas? Any peace offerings you can think of?"

"Seriously?" She laughed. "You're in a coffee shop and you're asking me what peace offering you can take the guy who would mainline caffeine if he could figure out a way to not die from it?"

She walked over and started up the espresso machine. "Ten minutes and I'll make him fall for you all over again."

____

 Bond was punking. God he hated how American that made him sound, but there was no other word for it. Here he was, standing outside Q's flat for the better part of fifteen minutes, and he couldn't bring himself to knock on the door.

Q wasn't scary.

Not at all.

Not in the slightest.

Short of having limbs removed, Bond had been tortured in some of the most ungodly ways imaginable.

He could handle anything.

_Q wasn't scary._

Just keep repeating that mantra, maybe it'll stick.

The fact of the matter was that Bond loved Q. Probably more than he'd ever loved anyone or anything, save Alec and England. So Q shutting him and Alec out to the point where he hadn't spoken to them in days scared the ever-loving shit out of him. So okay, fine. Q was scary.

And Bond couldn't bring himself to knock on a bloody door.

Fucking goat.

Fucking Alec.

Coffee and a cigarette, that's what Bond needed. After all, Q wasn't going anywhere. Bond turned and headed down to the cafe. It was Sunday, which meant Sapphire was opening up. She liked him. Maybe she'd talk to him.

He walked around to the front and up to the door to knock. When she turned and saw him standing there, she laughed before coming over to let him in.

"What's so funny?" he asked, sliding past her after she opened the door. He started walking over to the counter

"It just appears to be a day for apologies, that's all. I assume that's why you’re here?"

"Yeah it is," he said, then stopped, turning back to her. "A day for apologies?"

Sapphire walked over behind the bar to start pouring him a cup of coffee. "Your other half just headed next door, intent on the same thing," she smiled before passing the paper cup over to Bond.

"Well, that explains why his room was empty this morning," Bond responded, taking a sip.

Sapphire folded her arms on the bar and leaned over a bit, looking intently at Bond. "So here's the deal. You guys screwed up. Or Alec screwed up. One of you two screwed up, but it's safe to say that where one goes, so goes the other's nation." Bond huffed at her, but didn't respond. She wasn't that far off. "I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him. Q has been miserable without you two. Now I get that you guys were away on business for a month and that this particular exile right now is his doing. But see, he's just as stubborn as you guys are, especially you, James. He doesn't really want to fight over that sodding goat, but he doesn't know how to ask you guys to come back without having to apologise himself. So go be a big boy and apologise yourself. Even if - "

"But this whole mess wasn't my fault!" Bond interrupted.

"Even if it wasn't your fault," she finished. She straightened back up, leaving her hands on the counter. "Stop being idiot male children. I mean, I swear to god. Three men? And two of them are you two? That's too much testosterone for the entire Eastern Hemisphere. How the fuck you three do it, I'll never know."

Bond took another sip, smiling behind his cup. "There are ways to deal with that. Trust me."

____ 

Clutching his coffee in one hand and the requisite triple espresso in the other, Alec headed over to find Q. When he walked in, the place looked deserted, but he could hear Q in the back tinkering away. It sounded like he was soldering something, actually. Well, shit. Alec really didn't want to talk to Q when he was holding a soldering gun.

Alec noticed Phil curled up on his pile of blankets, seemingly waiting for Summer to arrive. Knowing that he was stalling, Alec walked over and set the coffees on the edge of the desk. He rested on his heels so he could pet Phil, who apparently was either just going to sleep or had just woken up, Alec couldn't tell.

"Well hello there, little guy. Everyone treating you okay? Is Q being nice to you?” Alec moved over further, resting on his knees. He continued petting Phil, who started nuzzling into Alec’s hand. “Sapphie told me he was watching you this morning. I hope you aren’t causing him too much trouble. He’s rather pissed at me right now and, frankly, whether he forgives me or not sort of hinges on you. So be a good sport for another day? I’d actually _like_ to see Q again, if you don’t mind.”

“Who’s out here – Alec is that you?” Just going to show how out of sorts Alec was, he didn’t hear Q until he was walking up, completely startling the agent.

Alec flinched upwards and banged his head on the underside of the desk, sending both coffees toppling over the edge, only to land on Alec’s jumper and splash onto Phil. “FUCK!” Alec shouted. Phil screeched and jumped up, hitting the wall behind him in his attempt to get away from whatever had landed on him. Alec scrambled backwards, trying to rip his jumper off and rub his head at the same time, only to fall back, nearly kicking Phil in the process.

“Phil!” Q yelled, running over. He scooped up the goat and ran towards the back. Alec stood up and stumbled after him, still trying to get his soaked jumper off and away from his skin. Q went over and deposited Phil in the sink before turning on the cold water. “Are you insane?” Q snapped without looking back. “What were you thinking putting hot coffee right on the edge of the table like that!”

“Oh yeah, no need to worry about me, I’m fine,” Alec muttered, finally getting the jumper off. For good measure, he stripped his undershirt off, as well.

It was at that moment that Bond came running in. “What the fuck is going on in here?” He scanned the room, only to land on Alec stripping his clothes off and Q pouring cold water over the goat. Alec looked down and saw that Bond had actually drawn his gun. “It sounded like a bloody fight was breaking out.”

“You can put the gun away, James, “ he said, sighing. “The only real danger here seems to be Q’s newfound ability to sneak up on me.” As James holstered his gun, Alec walked over to check on Phil, and apparently, a very distraught Q.

“What were you thinking, Alec?” Q hissed, still not looking away from Phil. He was scouring the goat, looking for signs of a serious burn, but evidently not finding any. He breathed out a sigh of relief. “Well, you got lucky. It looks like you missed. Who sets coffee on the edge of a desk? Honestly."

“Seriously, Q? Seriously?!” There was nothing for it, now, Alec was pissed. He strode back towards the middle of the room before rounding on a very surprised Q. “I was trying to bring you coffee! I was trying to come in here and make peace with you! You refuse to talk to either of us for days – after we haven’t seen you in weeks – all because of a creature you now seem to apparently give a shit about more than us!”

James spoke up first. “Alec, I don’t think that’s the case. I –”

“Really, James?” Alec asked with disdain. “Because I’m the one soaked in scalding coffee, but all he cares about," Alec gestured in Q’s direction, “are a couple splashes on the damned goat!”

"Well, to be perfectly honest, you are fairly more indestructable than the goat," came Bond's dry response.

"Yes, because sarcasm is what I'm looking for right now. Seriously, I could have come back with a wife, and truthfully, I probably would have gotten less of an appalled reaction than I'm getting right now!"

“I’m sorry,” Q all but whispered from behind him.

“What?” Alec rounded back towards Q.

Q looked up at Alec, guilt written all over his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You're right. You were in a situation and at no point was I in any way helpful.” Q picked up Phil out of the sink and cradled him, soaking his own clothes. “You came to me for help, and instead of _actually_ helping, I shoved you both away. And for what?” Q looked down at Phil. “Because of this little guy, who has proven to be no harm to anyone or anything. He has been a model citizen since day one. I, obviously, cannot say the same for me.” Q looked back up and between Alec and Bond. He looked tired and dejected and about 10 years younger than he normally did.

Without even thinking about it, Alec strode over to Q’s side and wrapped his arms around him. Q turned to bury his face in Alec’s chest, all the while clutching tightly to Phil. Alec leaned down to kiss the top of Q’s head. “It’s all right. I shouldn’t have shoved him on you like it was your problem and I definitely shouldn’t have lied to you,” Alec said. “I’m an arse. You know this. I know this. I’m pretty sure anyone who’s ever entered this building knows this.”

“Just this building?” Bond responded, giving a little laugh as he strode over. He reached out, putting his hand on the nape of Q’s neck. Q turned his head and peeked out at him.

“If the radius of that statement doesn’t extend to include all of England and at least half of Europe, I might still have to continue calling him a liar,” Q answered back, smiling. “James, I’m sorry to you, as well. I lumped you into this and it really was never your fault. Alec’s the pushy idiot, not you.”

“Oi!”

Q laughed as he wriggled out of Alec’s arms, only to turn directly into Bond’s. Following suit, Bond also leaned in to kiss the top of Q’s head. Not once did Q loosen his hold on Phil. The poor thing was starting to wriggle in Q’s arms, clearly uncomfortable at Q’s ever-increasing vice grip.

“Um, Q?” Alec asked, slowly reaching for Phil. “You think you might want to ease up a bit on Phil? I think you might be starting to suffocate him”

Blinking in surprise, Q looked down. When he saw how tightly he was holding Phil, he loosened his grip and set him on the ground. “Oh god, sorry. Sorry, Phil!” The goat shook himself out and started wandering back into the main room. Q automatically started to follow him, not realising that Bond was still holding onto him.

“Q, I think he’ll be fine out there on his own,” Bond said, not letting go of Q.

“No, but he could get hurt. I should really go stay with him,” he said, watching Phil walk off with something of concern.

Alec looked at Bond over the top of Q’s head, who was still trying to wriggle free. He touched Q lightly on the shoulder, trying to get his attention. “Q? What’s this all about?”

“Nothing! I just don’t want him getting into anything.”

Bond finally released Q. “Are you sure that’s it?”

“Of course it is,” Q said, rather evasively. “He’s just had a trauma and now he’s anxious and could get into things.” Q started walking towards the front room, avoiding Alec and Bond’s gazes.

“Right.” Alec said under his breath as he and Bond immediately followed Q out. Q might have them wrapped around his finger, but they were still top level agents for MI6. They could spot subterfuge a kilometer away. Several hundred kilometers away.

When they walked into the main room, Q made a beeline for Phil, who was heading directly for his blankets. Instead of letting Phil lie down, Q picked up one of the blankets and, taking care, started drying Phil off with it. The sight was too precious for words and the increasingly small part of Alec that told him he didn’t love Q – that those emotions were for Bond – broke off in another chunk.

Alec watched as Q finished drying Phil, setting the wet blanket aside. He then took the remaining blankets and fluffed them up to compensate for the loss of one. Q finally turned to check on Phil’s water and food dishes. Q sat back and smiled, visibly satisfied, before turning back to Alec and Bond, somewhat sheepishly. “All right, _fine_. Phil is bloody adorable and he’s well behaved and everyone loves having him here, and as it would seem, so do I.” He turned to watch as Phil, who apparently wasn’t tired anymore, started trotting around the center table, nosing his way in and out of the chairs. “ _Maybe_ he doesn’t have to leave tomorrow. Maybe we can try it out for a bit.”

"Really?" Alec asked, surprised. Of all the things he expected Q to say about the goat, that certainly wasn't it.

"Yes," Q said, keeping an eye on Phil as he ran and jumped around the room. "At least for now. We'll just need to figure out where he'll stay and how best to get him exercise."

As if to prove Q's last point, Phil took off to the other side of the room before looping back and ramming straight into Bond’s legs.

“Ow!” Bond yelped. Surprised, he leaned over to rub his shin. “God, that actually hurt!”

Alec laughed, “Looks like the little guy has more power in him than he appears.”

“I know someone else like that,” Bond said, straightening back up and smiling at Q.

“Then maybe releasing him on Intentions isn’t such a bad idea?”

“Which one? Phil or Q?”

“Who says we can’t send both?"

“No one is sending me anywhere,” Q said as he stood up and walked over to stand in front of the two of them. “And Phil really can’t stay here all the time. It's just my flat’s out. I mean, with Gordon and Chell...” Q trailed off, shuddering at the thought.

“No, you’re right,” Bond said, pulling Q in and wrapping his arms around Q’s waist. Q leaned in to kiss Bond’s neck. “You know, Alec, I think it’s time we finally buy that house,” he said, not taking his eyes off Q.

Alec came around behind Q and rested his hands on Q’s shoulders as he leaned back into Alec, closing his eyes. “You know, I think you might be right.”

“But I’m thinking that maybe this one we _don’t_ burn down?”

Looking over the top of Q’s head, Alec grinned wickedly at Bond. “We’ll see.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come play with me on tumblr at [stephrc79](http://www.stephrc79.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I promise I don't bite. Well, not unless you ask nicely.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Men Who Stare at Goats](https://archiveofourown.org/works/883560) by [Skylocked](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylocked/pseuds/Skylocked)




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